Happiness. Laughter. Smiles. Something that had always been so foreign to him had become a reality. And that had only been a few weeks ago. The short span of pure bliss that had taken over his life and had made it better than it has ever been. But there was always a voice, a constant war within him that would tear him from this moment – This part of his life had gone by in the blink of an eye. 

Regret. Sorrow. Emptiness. That’s how he felt now. 

Making his way down a now unfamiliar street in Los Angeles, feet dragging harshly on the pavement beneath him. He thought starting over would be refreshing, going back to where he had grown up – But he felt nothing but pain. Tired eyes never once gazing at his surroundings, there was no sign of life behind them. The eyes that used to sparkle, along with his smile that could light up an entire room. Holden was gone. He will never be the same. 

There is no point. No point of going on. He thought to himself, recalling the conversation he had so recently had with his sister. “I’m old enough now, I can handle myself on my own. I don’t need you.“ And that was that.

But the conversation he had with Sanggil, although rather short it hadn’t been easy for him. It was like he had broken his own heart along with his lover’s all because he couldn’t allow himself to stay with him. He couldn’t keep the promises they had made together. He ruined everything they had planned for their future. But he had convinced himself that it was be better this way. Holden wasn’t enough, he was never enough. There was so much that Sanggil had done for him that Holden just couldn’t do in return. He deserved more and Holden wasn’t the one to give that to him. He couldn’t put his own happiness before another’s, no it was better this way.

There is no point. No point. No point. The same words echoed through his brain, pounding at his skull. But his thoughts were right. What would be the point of going on? Alone? He was more alone than he ever has been. Unhappy? There was no describing the dread that he felt but he was far from happy. Holden has had suicidal thoughts before, having been diagnosed with chronic depression at a young age, but never to the point of doing it. But yet, once he had mindlessly made his way into his apartment, that was all he could think about.

When had he become so lost? He couldn't pinpoint an exact moment, but he knew he has felt this way for a long time. There was always the option to end it all. To get away from everything, all the pain, all the dread -- To feel free. God, he couldn't even imagine that feeling. But he knew he wanted it. He wanted it more than anything now.

He could already predict the news articles, the press catching on with the story faster than any of the latest releases. "He was gorgeous.... He had so much potential.... He was so young...." The thought actually caused Holden to chuckle a bit as he sat down on the couch in his family's old apartment.

Of course that's when the media would care, when a celebrity died that's all people would talk about. But while they were still alive, no one cared. The only people who gave a shit were the fangirls and fanboys that didn't even know anything about them. In Holden's case, he did have close friends and family, but he had abandoned them all. He had a lover, but he had abandoned him too. He had no one.

Pulling himself off the couch. It wouldn't matter if I was gone.

Making his way to the bathroom. No one will care if I was gone.

Even with all these thoughts, just looking into the mirror on the bathroom wall caused him to hate himself, he hated what he saw. He couldn’t stand it. Tears were building up in his eyes as he choked back a sob, gritting his teeth -- He couldn’t take this pain any longer. Without hesitation he drew back his fist, and with all of the strength left in him, collided it with the glass. Shattered. Now his face was unrecognizable. Blood. The crimson had dripped down from his knuckles but he hadn’t even noticed.

Click. The mirror had been a medicine cabinet. Painkillers. Damn he needed those.

Holden -- No he was just an empty shell of where Holden used to be. Laid out on the mattress of his parents bed where he hoped no one would look for him. He wondered if this was where his parents had died too, taken their own lives. He had hated them for it but in the end... He was no different than them. 

It had only been a moment, or an eternity, but the bottle was empty. The pills were gone. 

And so was he.